By: Jeff O'Connell
1. Your first roll in the hay. Remember how spontaneous, sloppy, and exhilarating it felt? Put away the guidebooks, videos, and devices. Unless you're dating Paris Hilton, no one's watching. Just do what comes naturally.
2. The expiration dates for your driver's license, health insurance, and passport. Red tape isn't to be tussled with. To defuse each one of these bureaucratic land mines, you'll spend years on hold and standing in lines when you could be rehabbing fully covered car-wreck injuries in Gstaad.
3. The edible kind, like the ones that killed the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sans poison, dates are low in calories (24), fat, and cholesterol; full of fiber; and richer in potassium than bananas. Eat six or seven a day and shave points off your blood pressure while adding some snap to your bullwhip.
4. 1507. The year the New World was named after Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci. People remember guys who arrive first and plant their flag. Having a cool name helps, too.
5. February 26, 1993: The first attempt to destroy the World Trade Center. Few attacks come unannounced, whether on the battlefield, in the boardroom, or in your own backyard.
6. Her mom's birthday. Hell hath no fury like a woman with a mother-in-law scorned.
7. Easter Sunday. Surprise her with a woven basket filled with perfume, jewelry, and chocolate, and see which impresses her more: that or the roses she got on Valentine's Day.
8. January 1692. The kickoff to the Salem witch trials. Nineteen people were hanged in a climate of war, economic strife, religious intolerance, and teenage boredom. Of course, something like that could never happen today.
9. The date when you took her on a picnic instead of to a restaurant; to an art museum instead of to a movie; or on a midnight stroll on the beach instead of to a bar for a nightcap. Also, the date when you were asked in for that drink instead of dispatched with a hug.
10. D day: June 6, 1944. If the Nazis had won the war, we'd probably be on our Ninth Reich by now. History has a series of pivot points. We bet your own life has had a few. Learn from them and it'll be easier to spot the next one coming.
11. Your date of birth. More specifically, your sign. Think astrology is psychobabble? An increasingly large number of attractive women don't. So indulge them: On a first date, the drone of rigorous skepticism is about as sexy as a dentist's drill.
12. November 19, 1863. Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. If you want immortality, get to the point.
13. The expiration date on a condom wrapper. This ain't a Budweiser: The consequences of cracking open a stale one will dog you for 18 years. Condoms with spermicide last no more than 2 years past their date of manufacture; those without, no more than 5.
14. January 1, 2000. Two dropped digits plunged cyberspace into chaos, resulting in premature missile launches, a global transportation shutdown, and a worldwide economic meltdown. Oh, wait a minute. No, they didn't. So the next time a coworker starts hoarding drinking water and stockpiling munitions because the end is near--heard about the 2012 apocalypse lately?--abuse him verbally.
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