12 Skills Every T-Man Should Know
by TC
Oh-oh, another list in a popular magazine that tests how I measure up. More
often than not they prove I'm an unromantic slob because I don't take
the time to shower the bedspread with lilac petals at least once a
week, or how I haven't really lived because I've yet to ride naked on a
wild stallion through the ruins of Chichen Itza at sunset. Why I read these lists I don't know. Maybe it'd be different if I occasionally scored high on one that wasn't titled, "Are you Addicted to Porn?" So it was with mild trepidation that I read the latest list in the October edition of Popular Mechanics. This one was named the "25 Skills Every Man Should Know." Here are the skills they listed:
1. Patch a radiator hose
2. Protect your computer
3. Rescue a boater who has capsized
4. Frame a wall
5. Retouch digital photos
6. Back up a trailer
7. Build a campfire
8. Fix a dead outlet
9. Navigate with a map and a compass
10. Use a torque wrench
11. Sharpen a knife
12. Perform CPR
13. Fillet a fish
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid
15. Get a car unstuck
16. Back up data
17. Paint a room
18. Mix concrete
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle
20. Change oil and filter
21. Hook up an HDTV
22. Bleed brakes
23. Paddle a canoe
24. Fix a bike flat
25. Extend a wireless network Let
me say from the get-go that I'm not one of those guys who spends
Saturday mornings at Home Depot fondling the jigsaws, nor have I spent
that much time in the woods when I wasn't accompanied by something warm
and jiggly in a tube top who scared away any wildlife within earshot —
even fish — with her nocturnal banshee-like shrieks and moans. In
other words, I didn't do so well with their list. I scored maybe 15 out
of 25, and even then I'm being generous with myself because I'm not
sure if there's a way to save a capsized boater other than shouting,
"Hey fella, you hold on while I call the Coast Guard, okay?" I'm
tired of feeling inadequate, so in an act of petulance and revenge,
I've come up with my own list and challenge the editors of Popular Mechanics, Cosmo, and that infernal Parade Magazine to see how they do. Smug bastards.

12 Skills Every T-Man Should Know:
1. Operate garden tools I
don't mean hedge clippers and the like, but specifically leaf blowers.
It's useful to know how to fire one up and where the "high" switch is,
especially after you use your neighbor's ass as a low-tech muffler when
he deems it appropriate to use his at 7 AM on Saturday morning. Explain
to him that no new trash has been generated since some time late in the
70's — it's just the same stuff that gets blown from one side of the
city to the other.
2. Practice sushi etiquette When taking food from a sushi platter, it's customary to use the opposite
ends of your chopsticks to remove a piece of sushi. You then place the
raw fish on your plate and pick it up again using the pointy ends. To
do otherwise is the Japanese equivalent to "double dipping" your
Tostitos in the communal dip bowl. Furthermore, it's important
to know the flowers and leaves on the naked woman you're using as a
sushi platter are garnishes; they're not edible. As such, it's rude to
pull the Water Lilly off her hoo-hah with your chopsticks.
3. First Aid There
are few injuries a T-man suffers that can't be fixed with ice, a
1000-watt hairdryer, or a soldering iron. Say for instance someone
unloaded one end of an Olympic bar with 3 plates on each side and you
got impaled when the bar catapulted across the gym. Remove the bar and cauterize the wound with the aforementioned 1000-watt hairdryer. Apply ice as needed. Or
say the Pilates instructor gave you venereal warts. You want to call a
doctor for venereal warts? You want to explain to the nurse why you
need to see the doctor? You want the doctor to swab some extra-strength
version of Dr. Scholl's Plantar Wart Remover on your Johnson? I didn't think so. Just heat up soldering iron and burn 'em off! Doctors! Who needs 'em!?!
4. Light a cigar Light
the match, let the sulfur burn off, rotate the cigar a half-inch over
the flame to warm it up, and then put it in your mouth. Bring the flame
just below the tip of the cigar while rotating it and drawing in
gently. As you draw on the cigar, the flames should leap up and lick at
the cigar, eventually leading to a fully-lit stogie. Of course,
if no one's looking go ahead and use a butane lighter, blowtorch, or
the eternal flame on JFK's grave to light that cigar. It's not like it
matters to anyone but people related to those wine idiots who sniff
corks.
5. Produce a male child Having
a baby girl is a lot like having a plump pig as a pet in a land plagued
by famine. Everybody lusts after your pig when you're not looking;
everybody schemes to take your pig away from you; everybody wants to
have your pig for dinner, after which they might go dancing or take in
a movie and then maybe have sex! Oh God, oh God, oh God! Sex with your pig! I mean daughter! Who wants that kind of aggravation? Who wants that kind of loamy loined, perky-breasted albatross hanging around his neck?
"Oh daddy, I'm not at all interested in boys!" No,
a T-man wants a son so he can sleep better at night. As such, it's
important he know how to increase his chances of conceiving a male
child. All the usual sperm-healthy tips apply, like wearing
boxer shorts and not operating a jackhammer or competing in a
moto-cross event in the days immediately preceding the attempt at
conception. However, having a male child takes extra
consideration. The most important thing is to make sure your
Y-chromosomes are first in queue. Steven Colbert recommends putting
your balls in a centrifuge so that the weaker X-chromosomes get pushed
to the back of the scrotum, but I find that to be impractical. I
recommend applying a vacuum cleaner hose (or the aforementioned leaf
blower, switched to reverse) to the scrotum. The suction should pull
the lighter Y-chromosomes to the front of your ball sack, thus ensuring
they'll be first out of the gate.
6. Post pictures on the Internet Popular Mechanics is right — it's important to be computer savvy, but maybe not for the reasons they give. Say
for instance the bitch dumped you for the towel boy at the gym. Sure
you swore never to do anything with the naked pictures she sent to your
cell phone, but that was before the bitter humiliation. It's time to make her famous. Time to post those low-res dying-cockroach-on-its-back pics on Nakedexgirlfriend.com. To paraphrase the Sicilians, revenge is a dish best tasted naked.
7. Paint a figure competitor with Pro Tan She needs to be tan for her figure contest and she's asked for help. A normal man won't do. There's
not only painting, there's prep work. I'm talking about tarps,
turpentine, scaffolding, and masking tape — the works. Then you gotta
sand and scrape and plaster any small dents or holes that shouldn't be
there. When you're finally ready to paint, you gotta do your
edging with a small artist's brush — you can't very well go painting
her declivities with one of those six-inch horsehair jobs or a roller,
you gotta be delicate! Then, after hanging her on a hook and letting
her dry naked for a day or two, you gotta do it all over again. Some guys prefer those Black and Decker electric spray guns, but a true artist works the canvas with a brush. Regardless, take your time. An experienced judge can tell sloppy work a mile away.
Look
carefully and note the uneven application and the visible brush
strokes. Clearly this is a poor tanning job and the experienced judge
will mark down accordingly.
8. Rescue a lifter who's trapped under the bench press bar There
are several ways to do this. If you're trying to rescue Dave Tate of
Westside fame, you'll need to call Triple A to send a tow truck with a
hoist. While you wait, it'd be nice if you cradled Dave's head and
gently stroked his bald pate while lowly singing something from The Sound of Music (My Favorite Things?) to comfort him. If
it's a normal human, you simply straddle the barbell and yank the thing
off his neck. However, if you just worked your delts with upright rows
the day before, you'd be a fool to work that same muscle group so soon
and risk overtraining. In that case, simply slide the plates off the
bar onto the floor using your foot until the poor bastard can crawl out
under his own power.
9. Mix a Drink Unless
you're a male version of Lindsay Lohan, you should know how to make at
least one drink that's not pink, green, orange, blue, or so sweet Jamba
Juice could have made it.
10. Make whoopie They
say a woman's body is an instrument, but I'm not sure about that. I
mean it's not like a kazoo or anything. A lot of women find it
uncomfortable and a little weird if you keep blowing into them to the
tune of Dixie. It's not really like a snare drum or a bongo, either, as slapping them lightly on the ass isn't nearly as percussive. I
think the main thing is to know the anatomy. You should be able to go
down there without any kind of flashlight or charts and know where
everything is. And make sure to spend some time; get to know the terrain. Say
for instance you were to work with a police sketch artist. You should
be able to describe what you saw down there with such detail — beard or
no beard, thin lipped or pouty, etc. — that that the resulting sketch
would allow authorities to walk into a locker room and pick her up out
of dozens of naked spread-eagled women.
11. Make a cup of coffee There's
one thing you add to coffee and that's water. The only people who need
to add caramel, mocha, cream, vanilla, and sweetener to their coffee
are 16-year-old cheerleaders who need extra calories for the pep rally
and the ensuing big game against Binghamton.
12. Punch someone without breaking your hand It's
inescapable. Some day, words will fail you and your fist will have to
continue and hopefully finish the argument. Trouble is most of the time
when you punch somebody in the head, you end up breaking your fist.
It's hugely emasculating when you bury your injured mitt between your
legs and start galloping around like a five-year-old pretending his
broomstick is a pony. Besides, the injury leaves you largely
defenseless. To end the fight early, loudly proclaim yourself
to be "next of kin to chaos," and then disrupt his flow of chi by
striking between the fifth and sixth chakra, after which he'll be
temporarily dislodged from his moola prakriti, which of course as everyone knows is the metaphysical basis of his material existence. That, or hit him in the chin, which, if done properly, will knock him out.
Not the most effective place to punch, unless you're Neo.
Popular Mechanics
concluded their "skills" article by suggesting that the next time you
see someone by the side of the road waiting for AAA, pull over and show
them how to use a tire iron. "Who knows?" writes the author, "it might just catch on." In
the same vein, the next time you see a ghostly white figure competitor,
break out the tarp and brushes and get to painting. It might just catch
on.

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