47 Things I've Learned

ATOMIC DOG
47 Things I've Learned
by TC
Okay, I'm feeling kind of Tuesdays With Morrie-ish today, so here's my attempt at being sappy and wise at the same time: 1.
Risk is cool. Taking chances often leads to incredible rewards,
career-wise, money-wise, and even spirituality-wise. No great
achievement is possible without some degree of risk. 2. Knowledge and wisdom will fix almost any problem. 3.
Most guys who are really, really huge have no business giving any one
advice on how to get big. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they were
designed to get that big (or used a truckload of drugs) and probably
could have gotten that way by picking flowers. Instead, respect the
achievements of the relatively normal sized guy who ignored the
genetics that wanted him to remain scrawny and did something about it. 4.
If you hold a naked woman upside down and then let her drop, she'll
land on all fours...or am I thinking of a cat? I have to remember to
try that. 5. My penis is both my best friend and my worst enemy. Without it, I could have been a great man, but only because of it did I want to be a great man. 6.
To bring up a lagging body part, work it every workout. I'm not talking
about lengthy workouts for that body part every day, but one or two
exercises for a total of 3-5 sets, three or four times a week. 7. Integrity is all but extinct. Try to practice it and when you see it, try to reward it. 8.
Sex is an adventure, but not the kind of adventure filled with runaway
boulders, poisonous snakes, and pygmies with spears...unless you're
into that sort of thing and you pay extra. 9.
Dogs are the ultimate Buddha beasts; they sleep when they're tired, eat
when they're hungry, and are completely nonjudgmental. We should learn
from them. Get rid of your watch on weekends and live like a dog. 10. If I take very, very good care of myself from this day forward, I'll eventually get very sick and die. 11.
Don't buy one of those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. It's quite possible
you could pop in the video and see your girlfriend flashing her nonnies
down in Ft. Lauderdale when she told you she was visiting her sick aunt
in Sheboygan and then you'll get in a big fight and she'll end up
putting your collection of rare Spiderman comic books in the trash
compacter and laughing about it as you sob uncontrollably...not that
anything like that has happened to me. 12. The Black and Decker Vegetable Steamer is the most valuable tool I have in my kitchen. 13. The Black and Decker Rotary Sander with Buffing Wheel Attachment is the most valuable tool I have in my bedroom. 14.
The nervous system is the last frontier of bodybuilding. Only by
manipulating it with varying grips, techniques, set and rep schemes,
tempos, and rest periods can you pass beyond average. As T-Nation
contributor Charles Staley says, "Playing Chopsticks on the piano every day for a year will make you great at playing Chopsticks, but it won't make you great at playing the piano. 15. Getting a sloppy blowjob is sublime. 16. Getting a slow, leisurely blowjob is sublime. 17.
Making advances in manipulating natural hormone levels to put on muscle
or lose body fat is Biotest's greatest gift to the world. 18. Check your ego at the door. You ain't shit, but neither is anyone else. 19.
While I appreciate the orthopedic wizardry of Messrs. Cressey,
Robertson, Gentilcore, Smith, et al, I pray they never attempt to cure
female lordosis.
Please don't cure female lordosis. Please! 20. For every fun thing you read, read one thing that makes your head hurt. 21. To be a lean bastard, eat protein and fats or protein and carbs, but don't eat carbs and fats together. 22. Buy
lunch. Pick up the tab. Buy drinks. Bring presents. Small kindnesses go
a long way in improving the damn world. Not only that, it might prevent
one of your friends from someday unplugging your heart/lung machine
because you never picked up a check. 23.
The love of a good woman is a wonderful thing, but it pales in
comparison to the love of a lot of good women, especially if they're
all naked. 24. The bench press
is primarily a triceps movement. The main function of the pectoral
muscles is to adduct the arms, so there. 25.
Unilateral workouts are cool for a variety of reasons. They keep the
aforementioned almighty nervous system off-balance and they correct the
unilateral size and strength deficiencies that are inherent in just
about everybody. 26. Heavy
lifts are incredibly effective. Every workout should incorporate at
least one movement that uses scary weight and makes your spine want to
buckle. 27. Olympic lifting is something I should have adopted from day one. It uses, and what's more, cultivates muscle fibers that aren't recruited during normal bodybuilding-type workouts. 28. Something magical happens when you increase protein intake to over 1 gram per pound of bodyweight. 29. If you fall in love with an exercise, it's time to start doing one that you hate. 30.
If you're attracted to a particular woman, put aside all fears of
rejection or humiliation and go after her. Don't even think about what
you're going to say to her. I don't care if you stammer and drool when
you approach her. Who knows? She might find it cute. And if she
doesn't, your experience will serve as practice. I wasted years being
intimidated by women when the truth is many of them are more insecure
than you are.
Go after her. 31.
If a fireplug tells you that squats are the best overall exercise,
consider that he's a fireplug and what works for him might not work for
you. Along the same lines, if a tall bastard tells you that the
deadlift is the best overall exercise, consider that he's a tall
bastard and what works for him might not work for you. Only you can
decide what the most effective overall movement is. 32.
If you've got one great body part, don't accentuate it or draw
attention to it by the way you dress. You've got great biceps? Good for
you. No need to wear sleeveless shirts all the time. You're not some
girl with giant tits, for crissake. 33. Honor the nerd because he's the guy who's eventually going to perfect virtual sex. 34. Don't idolize anyone but yourself, but make sure you're worthy of such adulation. 35. The
concept of family above all is a crock. Families are the cause of most
mental illness and suffering. Reserve your love and loyalty for people
who support you, admire you, and are there for you when you need them.
If they happen to be family members, great. 36.
Fats are the ultimate functional food. Eating them in proper amounts
and proper combinations can effect wondrous changes to your appearance,
performance, and health. 37. Tim Patterson is the brain of Biotest. I, however, am the gall bladder, which is sometimes sorta' important. 38. If I get sick, bring on the steroids to facilitate healing, preserve muscle mass, and strengthen my immune system. 39. If there are a few people who'd rather see you dead, chances are you're doing something right. 40.
Don't pander to the masses. The masses are an addled child. Winning an
Academy Award or a Grammy means you've achieved notoriety and success,
but only in the limited viewpoint of that big addled child. The true
artists are usually so good that ordinary people can't even recognize
their talents. 41. The stopwatch/timer is the greatest boon to weightlifting ever invented, but you'll hardly ever see one in the gym. 42. Being sore is gooood. So what if it means you're overtrained? Eat more. Sleep more. Take some supplements. 43.
Being open-minded is the greatest thing a person can be, but also the
hardest. Perceiving objects, arguments, and people on their own merits
without using an internal filter is the gift of a true intellect. 44. Don't accept anything as unavoidable or inevitable, even death. 45.
Seek out preternatural talent. If you know people like Michael Jordan,
Wayne Gretzsky, Barry Bonds, Jim Brown, Vladimir Nabokov, Stephen
Hawkings, or any one of a number of physical or mental geniuses past or
present similar to them, befriend them. If that isn't possible, just behold their talent because it's like looking into the face of God. 46.
Cereal box philosophy — which is what this particular column is — can
be okay in small doses but realize that real knowledge and
understanding is only possible through study and sweat. 47.
And no, it turns out a naked woman won't land on all fours when you
hold her upside down and drop her. She falls on her back and keister
and sort of waves her arms around. I'm sure I was thinking about a cat.

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